Of Gods And Slushees...

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2006-06-08T16:44:00.001-07:00

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2006-06-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

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Quickshot Movie Reviews

2005-09-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

The Exorcism of Emily Rose
This isn’t really a horror movie.
The commercials completely bill this as a horror movie, but in truth it’s a courtroom drama based on a real case. The movie starts with a priest getting arrested for an exorcism gone wrong. The exorcism itself is shown in flashback. While the flashbacks are a little scary, they’re not Exorcist scary. And there are long bouts of legal drama between scares.

Essentially, what you have is the scariest Law & Order episode you’ve ever seen.

The one thing that this movie maybe does better than The Exorcist is debate the idea that Emily isn’t really possessed but rather suffering from a medical condition. This idea is only marginally touched on in the updated version of The Exorcist, but dealt with in great depth in the novel. I find this idea fascinating, and it was the most compelling part about The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

The 40 Year Old Virgin
First things first: There’s nothing wrong with an adult male collecting action figures.
That said, Steve Carrell’s character Andy in The 40 Year Old Virgin is hysterical, playing up the nerdy toy collecting and bike riding and bad clothes wearing to comic perfection. The supporting cast is all great, and you’ve got to love a movie that has a musical number ("Age of Aquarius" no less).

It’s not the best comedy I’ve ever seen, but it was far funnier than I thought it’d be. And though you’ve seen that chest waxing scene so many times in commercials that it’s not funny anymore, you’re still not prepared for it in the movie. I challenge you not to wince and laugh.

A Sound of Thunder
Based on a Ray Bradbury story, this movie would have been great if it wasn’t for piss-poor CGI. The story (about what happens when you affect a timeline during time travel) is pretty interesting, and it’s handled well, but the effects leave a lot to be desired. The greenscreen is horrible, with the actors obviously walking in place and the backgrounds looking flat. The CGI monsters look okay, but they’re not even quite on par with Jurassic Park, and that was 15 years ago. It took me right out of the story.

Red Eye
Here’s another film being billed as a horror film that’s really not. This one is really a suspense film rather than a horror film–more like a Brian DePalma in the 1980's film than a Wes Craven film. Still, it’s not a bad film (and would probably be scary as an in-flight movie on an airplane).

I think that Cillian Murphy has the potential to be a star, and Rachel McAdams is slowly winning me over as a bona fide leading lady. The pacing of the movie is a little off, and of course things get a little ludicrous plot-wise, but it’s still mostly fun.

Wedding Crashers
Speaking of Rachel McAdams, here she does great work playing the heart of a film that revels in its depravity. Think I’m wrong? Then think about Will Farrell picking up chicks at a funeral. All right, then.

This was one of those movies that everyone was raving about, saying how hilarious it was and that I must see it. Usually, I wind up hating these movies, but this one lived up to the hype for once.

Vince Vaughn carries the film with his rat-a-tat dialogue, and Isla Fisher steals the movie as Vaughn’s romantic interest. The movie drags a bit during the "serious" part where you’re supposed to doubt the possibility of a happy ending, but if you can get past that (and the illogical timing of the weddings) then you should come out having laughed pretty hard. If you’re like me, you’ll want to check out the DVD so you can watch Vince Vaughn’s dialogue with subtitles so you can understand everything he’s saying.

$2.89

2005-09-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

I got gas for $2.89 a gallon the other day, and was pretty jazzed about it. How sad is that?

Miami Vice

2005-09-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

So I’ve been watching Season 1 of Miami Vice on DVD (I’m obsessed with TV on DVD, by the way), and I realized something that I think most of us have forgotten: Tubbs is the big pussyhound on Miami Vice, not Crockett. It’s easy to assume that Don Johnson was the one chasing all the girls, and while he does his fair share of scamming, it’s Phillip Michael Thomas chasing (and getting) most of the ass.

I’m so jazzed about this Miami Vice movie coming up. Yes, it’s gonna be cheesy. The show was cheesy (don’t believe me? check out the DVD). But here’s five ways to make the movie interesting:

1. Have the film set in present day, but have Crockett and Tubbs wear the same fashions from the mid-‘80s that they wore on the show.

2. Have Edward James Olmos reprise his role as Lt. Castillo (I swear that guy was always old).

3. Have Colin Farrell play Crockett but using his real Irish brogue–just have him add "pal" to the end of every sentence ("Miami vice, pal!").

4. Have Jamie Foxx play Tubbs as a blind man.

5. Have Dave Chappelle play Noogie.

QTU

2005-08-31T16:22:00.000-07:00

Ever have a hard time telling somebody just how good something tastes? Well, a friend of mine has devised a term to help us all out. Introducing the Quantitative Taste Unit (QTU). Now, when somebody asks, "How’s your meal?" instead of responding with, "Good," or "Mmm" or whatever variant that tells us nothing, you can respond in QTUs.

It works like this:

"How’s your meal? In QTUs?"

"Twelve."

"Wow. Let me try some."

There are flaws in the system, naturally. For example, I’m not sure what 12 QTUs represents. I know it’s better than 9 QTUs, but not as good as 16 QTUs. Still, once a median is established, I believe that the QTU will go a long way toward helping us define our dining experiences.

You know, this was all a lot funnier last night when we were drunk...

Rom Coms I Actually Like

2005-08-22T16:10:00.000-07:00

So just because I refuse to see Must Love Dogs and Just Like Heaven and whatever other warmed-over "chick flick" that comes out, doesn’t mean that I don’t like romantic comedies. I just like good romantic comedies–usually ones that break the norm. Here, then, as Exhibit A, is a list of 15 rom coms that I really like (in no particular order):

Kissing Jessica Stein
Funny, clever, unique, and honest, this story of a woman questioning her sexuality is too damn charming–even if the ending is a little too real.

Grosse Point Blank
John Cusack is an international hitman who returns for his high school reunion. How great is that? Minnie Driver is actually desirable in the film. Also, the soundtrack kicks ass! ‘80's!

The Wedding Singer
More ‘80's! This is one of the few funny Adam Sandler movies. Really. Plus it has Billy Idol playing himself. Rockin!

Coldblooded
An obscure Jason Priestly film that is very much worth seeking out. Priestly gives a hilarious performance as a mob hitman (apparently I like "hitmen-in-love" stories) who falls for his yoga instructor. Fantastic dark comedy. Great appearance by Janeane Garofalo as a whore.

The Truth About Cats & Dogs
The truth is...I really like Janeane Garofalo. That’s what makes this otherwise ridiculous movie bearable. I really believe that Janeane might be a lonely girl who doesn’t go out on dates much (that’s much more believable than Meg Ryan or some other A-lister trying to convince me that she can’t get a date). If you don’t like Janeane (or Uma), don’t watch this... the dog on roller skates will make you pray for the sweet release of death.

Shaun of the Dead
People will dispute it, but this really is a romantic comedy. Just with zombies. The movie’s totally worth watching just for the scene with the Prince records...

Before Sunrise/Before Sunset
Okay, so these aren’t really comedies, but they are damn good romantic films. I dare say these are the best romantic movies I’ve ever seen (which, granted, might not be saying much, but whatever). Taken as a whole, they are perfect, although I prefer Before Sunset (that may just be because I’m older now and identify with those characters more).

Clueless
This is just a very clever and subversive movie–disguising Jane Austen as a teenybopper story. Alicia Silverstone is at her best here, and it’s a nice taste of pre-coked out Brittany Murphy. Plus, you’ve gotta love Travis Birkenstock.

The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls In Love
It’s like every John Hughes movie–only with lesbians.

Chasing Amy
Lesbian with a twist. I love Kevin Smith, and think this movie is far more realistic than most people realize. Sadly, I speak with a little authority on this one.

Love Actually
For some reason, many guys like this movie–and I mean guys who like sci-fi and comic book movies, and action flicks, and other "boy" stuff. I think it’s because, by and large, the men in this movie get the girl–most notably Colin, who not only gets Shannon Elisabeth while visiting America, but also brings home Denise Richards for his buddy.

Shakespeare in Love
It’s just an incredibly clever and well-written film. Forget about all the Oscar hype or how damn annoying Gwyneth Paltrow can be. The movie is funny–especially for English majors who studied a lot of Shakespeare (i.e. me).

The Sweetest Thing
Less for the love story and more for the really fun portrayal of girlfriends, I watch this movie every time it’s on TV. Sadly, when it’s on TV they cut the hell out of it, so you don’t really appreciate the most risque humour (like Selma Blair trying to get a semen drenched dress to the dry cleaner).

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
I’m loathe to call this a comedy, since I don’t really find it funny. I do, however, think it’s brilliant. It’s one of those movies I wish I’d written. Thank god it’s written by Charlie Kaufman, who wrote his first screenplay at age 30 (there’s still time!!!).

Say Anything
A true classic. Every woman wants or should want their own Lloyd Dobbler. The speech Lloyd gives about not wanting to buy, sell, or process anything as a career is gold. "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen." Heart-wrenching.

Just Like Heaven

2005-08-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

Show me show me show me how you do that tripe
The kind that makes me scream, I said
The kind that makes me cry, I said
I clucked my tongue and shook my head

As bad as my paraphrasing/butchering of these classic Cure lyrics might be, it pales in comparison to the use of the title Just Like Heaven for the latest Reese Witherspoon suckfest. Now I don’t know exactly what this movie is about since I only saw a poster for it, but I’m pretty confident in saying that I’d rather die than see this movie. It’s obviously more Reese rom-com treacle. They should call it Just Like Sweet Home Alabama. I liked this movie better when it was called Sweet Home Alabama, and I didn’t like Sweet Home Alabama. Who am I kidding? I didn’t even watch Sweet Home Alabama.

Remember when Reese was cool? I’m talking about her Freeway, Election, Pleasantville, American Psycho days. Reese picked edgy, interesting projects. Then Legally Blonde came along and turned her into America’s Sweetheart, and now we get crappy movies like Just Like Heaven.

You know, I don’t even really care that Reese has made yet another craptacular rom-com. I just wish they hadn’t named it after a Cure song. I mean, I didn’t mind when Boys Don’t Cry came out, because it was a good title for a good movie. But I just gotta believe that Robert Smith of The Cure (and yes, that is his full name: Robert Smith of The Cure) is extra depressed by this turn of events. I mean, like, Morrissey depressed.

It makes me sad, too, because I know what happens next. If Just Like Heaven is a hit, then you know the next Julia Roberts crapfest will be called Pictures of You. Or, worse yet, we’ll see Jennifer Lopez in the feel-good chickflick of the spring, Friday I’m In Love. I’m actually getting scared just writing that. Note to studio execs who may have found their way here: Don’t Do That. Really, Hollywood, if you want to name a movie after a Cure song, why not have some balls and go for something a little tougher, like Pornography or Killing an Arab?

D'Peach Mode

2005-08-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

I just drank a drink called D’Peach Mode. Ostensibly, it’s a mix of peach and tangelo. However, a quick look at the ingredients and you realize there’s no peach or tangelo in the drink at all. There is, however, apple and/or pear juice (I like the and/or...keeps me guessing–which one is it? pear? apple?). Whatever the case, it’s damn good. Plus, there’s no caffeine, so it’s Mormon-friendly.

And you just gotta love the name.

To All My Readers...

2005-08-08T13:44:00.000-07:00

...all two of you. Here is my first attempt at returning to my digital world. For too long I’ve neglected my characters, my stories, and my own personal little soapbox. I have so much to say, but lately no time to say it.

So it would seem that August has become the month that Victor does favours for everyone. This explains my absence from writing (that, and the fact that work has become a very busy nightmare lately, so no blogging at work–until today, of course). So, since I’m a bit tapped out on doing things for others (and since I’m pretty much busy until September), I’ve decided that next month will be the month that Victor goes into hibernation. During that hibernation, I’m hoping that my characters will get their lives back.

The good news, my dear readers, is that I will soon have lots of stuff for you to read. Just because nothing’s been posted lately doesn’t mean nothing’s been written. Lots of stuff will come your way very shortly. New character blog? You got it. New chapter or two for the online novel? Just you wait. The long-awaited appearance of the Dev-Cat? Any minute now...

Thanks for your patience, gentle readers. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

30!

2005-08-08T06:34:00.000-07:00

All of you bitches are 30 before me!!!!!!

...okay, maybe not all of you (and you know who you are).

But in case you don’t know who you are:
Adrienne
AJ
Amy (not you, Chalecki, you 30-yr-old slacker!)
Ande
Cara
Cannon
CJ
Darla
Laura
Heather
Mel
Nancy (psyche! You’re 30, biyotch!)
Natalie
Staci

Okay, so this list was a lot longer than I thought it was gonna be, so now I’m depressed. Fortunately, Victor is only 7 years old, so screw you all.

The Aristocrats

2005-08-04T23:32:00.000-07:00

I’ve been raving about this film since I saw it, and most of the people I’ve told about it have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. The best of them think I’m referring to the Disney animated film, The Aristocats. Amusingly, this movie mentions how people mistake the two. After seeing this film, you’ll wonder how there could ever be a mistake.

The film is a documentary about an old joke that’s told amongst comedians, with the punchline "The Aristocrats.". The joke isn’t actually funny; it’s the way one tells the joke that’s important. Several comedians are featured in the film, telling the joke in their way and/or telling stories about the joke.

You might think that the same joke for an hour and a half might get dull. You’d be wrong. I have never laughed so long or so hard at a film as I have during this one. Be warned, though: the movie is quite blue. Rumour has it that AMC wouldn’t even book the film because it was so filthy. Now, we’re just talking words–there are no graphic images (unless you count the mime, but I don’t want to spoil that for you). Granted, the words we’re talking about are graphic, sexual, incestuous, violent, scatological, racist, necrophiliogical (is that even a word? it is now...), and so on. And just when you think it can’t get any worse, along comes Bob Saget.

Bob Saget is a filthy son of a bitch. I reckon growing up with a name like Saget, one would have to wind up with a quick, sick wit. Watch this movie, watch Saget tell "The Aristocrats," listen to other comics talk about Saget, and then think about how screwed up the Olsen twins are. You’ll realize... it’s gotta be Saget’s fault. Personally, I’ll never be able to watch America’s Funniest Home Videos ever again (wait... I never watch that anyways...).

The interesting thing is how people like Saget and Gilbert Gottfried steal the show with their sick tellings, and guys you’d expect to floor you (like George Carlin and Robin Williams) seem rather tame. If you’re a Comedy Central junkie like me, you’ll recognize a lot of the B-list comedians on parade here (oh my god, did Judy Gold actually say something funny? must be a first...).

I’m so excited to get this on DVD, especially since there’s a website where you can tell your own version of the joke for possible inclusion on the DVD release. I’ve got to go rehearse my version of the joke, though I have to admit it’s gonna be hard to out-gross screwing the bullet hole in a corpse...

Yeah, that’s the kind of movie it is.

Late Reviews

2005-07-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

Here’s some quick-shot reviews that should have been posted a long time ago, but I’m so damn self-involved... Anyways, better late and backdated...

Revenge Of The Sith

This movie managed to do what I didn’t think would be possible in one film–tie together Episodes II and IV. Let me be clear: I’m not a hater of the new trilogy. I rather like it. Still, I think this movie is on par with the original trilogy. It’s at least better than Jedi.

Sure, there’s cheesy parts (Vader saying "Noooooooo!!!!" comes to mind). But that final lava scene lived up to every expectation I’ve had since I was a little boy. When a cloaked Vader is killing all the Separatists... man, that was cool. His screaming at Obi-Wan as he lies there, legless and burning... awesome. Yes, the romance stuff is still trite. Yes, Anakin seems to switch to the dark side rather quickly. SO WHAT. Still a tremendous amount of fun, and now I want Episodes VII-IX.

Batman Begins

One of the best superhero films ever. The casting is top-notch–Bale is the best Batman/Bruce Wayne yet. Keaton was a great Batman, but a terrible Bruce. Val was the opposite–good Bruce, bad Bats. Clooney had the potential to be good at both, but had the worst script ever.

Michael Caine and Gary Oldman in particular were standouts, and Morgan Freeman and Liam Neeson can always be counted on. I’m in love with Katie Holmes (despite her Tom Cruise fiasco) so I’ll refrain from commenting on her. Cillian Murphy is one to watch–check out 28 Days Later or the upcoming Red Eye.

The movie had a welcome serious tone, a darkness missing since Burton but with a grittyness that the franchise has never had before. I eagerly await the next one, assuming they have the same creative team.

Fantastic Four

Not one of the best superhero films ever.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Much more entertaining that I thought it would be. Sure, the movie focuses on two ridiculously beautiful people trying to kill each other, but that’s what makes it fun. The movie has a healthy balance of serious action and off-kilter comedy–big props to Doug Liman for his direction (you’ve probably already seen his Bourne Identity but be sure to check out Go).

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I was annoyed when I heard they were remaking this perfect classic film. Then two words instantly changed my mind: Burton. Depp. I was sold. And I was not disappointed. I giggled incessantly at the mad world Burton created, and the insane performance by Johnny Depp. Oh, and the Oompah Loompahs are fantastic (and yes, they sing and dance). I dare say this version is even better than the Gene Wilder version. That’s right. I said it.

Must Love Dogs

Are you kidding me? I didn’t go see this crap. I don’t live with Nancy anymore...
Although, I have to admit that Cusack looks good in it...

X & Y

2005-06-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else besides me think the first track of the new Coldplay album sounds suspiciously like Duran Duran?

More Michael...

2005-06-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

So I imagine Michael Jackson driving away from the court, blasting "Smooth Criminal" and "Beat It" from the sound system. They asked him why he keeps having sleepovers with children, even though he’s gotten in trouble so much; he responded: "Don’t stop ‘til you get enough." Now that I think about it, "Pretty Young Thing" takes on a whole new meaning (though "The Girl Is Mine" is still a joke). Now they say Michael’s going to go broke due to huge legal fees. Guess he could always get a second job babysitting... Oh, Michael, you’re so bad... Look at the bright side, though–at least the kid was not his son.
Okay, I’m done now.

Mama say mama sa mama cu sa...

Smooth Criminal

2005-06-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

So Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all counts.

Hmm.

Don't really know how I feel about this. I mean, on the one hand I totally think he's guilty. But on the other hand, he did Thriller...

Hmm.

To paraphrase Michael: It don't matter if you're black or white, as long as you're famous.

I just wish he'd moonwalked out of the courtroom. That would have been cool...

The Sushi Experience

2005-06-05T11:34:00.000-07:00

So I was persuaded to ingest sushi yesterday. This is not my first attempt at enjoying this cuisine, but it had been so long since the last time that it basically felt that way.

I’ll spare you any review of the restaurant and food, as it’s not really my forte (want restaurant reviews? Try this: http://foodieuniverse.blogspot.com/ ). I will tell you this: I had the shrimp rolls and the eel rolls. The eel? Pretty tasty. The shrimp? Surprisingly, not so much.

Fret not, those of you who are worried that I’ll venture into the dark side of healthier, chic-er eating. Sushi has not become a new favourite of mine. I can still think of plenty of other types of food that I’d pick first. Or second. However (with apologies to Nemo and all his little friends), I must confess that I’d be willing to do sushi again. This will be good news to some, strange news to others, and of no consequence to most of you.

DVDs

2005-05-31T18:59:00.000-07:00

In an effort to catch up, let me give you some quick shots on the dvd front:

*Closer – Seeing this on the small screen doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable. It still hits too close to home.
* Blade III – Lame villain is balanced out by ultimate hottie Jessica Biel. Thank god Ryan Reynolds as smartass Hannibal puts the movie into the “win” column. It’d be a good idea to stop here, though.
* Darkness – A slow start makes it hard to get into this film. It’s not a bad film as far as horror films go, staying true to the classic ghost story (less actual stuff happening). Ultimately, it doesn’t quite live up to it’s potential.
* The Aviator – I’ve reviewed this before. It’s still great. Blanchett as Hepburn=amazing.
* National Treasure – Surprisingly entertaining. Ignore the Indiana Jones comparisons. This probably has more in common with The Mummy. Still, I wound up getting into it and found it quite satisfying.
* Finding Neverland – Johnny Depp is always good. This is one of those sappy, manipulative, heartstring movies and I don’t mind it one bit. Sad but sweet.
* Chappelle’s Show Season 2 – Hopefully this isn’t the last season. Dave continued his shockingly hilarious bits. Highlights are the racial draft, Samuel L. Jackson beer, and The Wayne Brady Show (probably one of the funniest skits I’ve ever seen on any show ever).

Crash

2005-05-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

Crash is not only a wonderfully-crafted, compelling film, but it’s also an interesting sociological study. As you may know, Crash deals with the intersecting lives of Los Angelinos and their perspectives on race. It’s a heavy film, despite moments of levity, and it never really lets up in tension.

For me, part of the fun of watching this movie was seeing it in a Los Angeles theater. The movie is full of racial stereotyping and joke-making, and the audience would laugh at many of these instances. What was interesting was noticing that different sections of the theater would laugh at different racial jokes. With the lights up, I could tell why—different races found different parts of the movie funny.

The writing is strong in the film, but it’s really the performances that propel the movie. Don Cheadle turns in his usual awesome performance (he’s quickly becoming one of my favourite actors). Sandra Bullock (who I usually hate) plays a total bitch so convincingly that she managed to impress me (and the girl who cracked that Miss Congeniality joke behind me in the theater deserves props too).

Ryan Phillipe, Matt Damon, and Brendan Frasier are all good. Larenz Tate, one of the most grossly underrated black actors working right now, is solid, but rapper Ludacris steals all his scenes. I actually like Ludacris as a rapper, but his credible acting in this movie knocked my socks off. Thandie Newton turns in what might be her best work yet. Much has been written about how Terrence Howard is the next Denzel—believe the hype. I can’t wait to see Hustle & Flow.

This isn’t an easy movie to digest. It isn’t a date movie (despite my best intentions!). It’s a difficult film that merits serious discussion afterwards. Part of the best thing about this movie is that it’ll force you to consider your reaction to it.

Revenge of the Sith

2005-05-21T16:56:00.000-07:00

God bless those geeks who waited in line for weeks on end for the new Star Wars movie. I can always point at them and say, “At least I’m not that big of a dork.”

Every boy my age loves Star Wars. This is simply a fact. It isn’t a question of whether or not boys of my generation like Star Wars—it’s simply a question of how much they like it. Pretty much anyone who knows me knows that Star Wars is something akin to religion in my life.

So it stands to reason that I would have high expectations for Revenge of the Sith, the final installment in the Star Wars oeuvre. I’m happy to report that those expectations were met.

In Star Wars speak, I’d say Sith was not quite as good as Empire, but better than Jedi and on par with A New Hope. For the rest of you, I’ll just say that it was incredibly enjoyable.

I know a lot of haters are already picking the film apart. Get over it. Every criticism of the new films can also be attributed to the original trilogy, if you’ll just take your rose-coloured blastshield off. Bad dialogue? Watch the first Star Wars film again. Bad acting? Mark Hamill, kids. The movies drag in the middle? This is true for probably every film except Empire. Corny jokes? “Laugh it up, fuzzball” is corny. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

There’s plenty to cringe at in Sith. “Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo” may be the worst Star Wars line ever, and the hilarious “Nooooooooo!” from newly-masked Darth Vader is worse than anything Jar-Jar ever did.

Still, there’s so much to like in this film. There’s lightsaber battles galore, there’s the cool General Grievous, there’s that opening space battle. And don’t tell me that you didn’t love that Vader kills a bunch of children—how ballsy was that? That final duel over the lava? Completely lived up to the vision I had of it as a child.

And I guess that’s what it comes down to—can you watch this film with the same enthusiasm that you had when you were young, seeing the original films for the first time? Or have you become so jaded and worldly that you feel the need to bitch about every little flaw in the film? If that’s you, then go back and do it for the original films too. You’ll be amazed at how much there is to nitpick. Me? I’ll be watching Yoda throw down with the Emperor again.

Mea Culpa

2005-05-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

Some of you have noticed the lack of updates on all the blogs (this one plus the project). I’ve been suffering from a prolonged case of writer’s block, and haven’t been able to muster up the effort to post even the most mundane updates. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Anyways, my deepest apologies to my loyal readers (all three of you). Also, I’d like to give a shout out to my friend Jen for encouraging me to get back on the horse, as well as shaming me by posting more regularly even though she is out of the country on vacation (follow her travels here:http://soynoodles.blogspot.com/ ).

I will make the concerted effort to catch everything up, and to keep posting often.

The Day Joey Potter Met Maverick

2005-04-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

So I find out last night that the future Mrs. Victor (Katie Holmes to the rest of you) is now dating megastar Tom Cruise. My friend, a Tom Cruise worshiping disciple, called me last night very distressed about the news. Naturally, I have to be distressed too. I mean, even though I’m taller than Tom Cruise, what are the odds that Katie would date me once she’s been with him? Not good, obviously.

So now I have to find a way to steal Katie from Tom. I mean, sure, he’s one of the most bankable, powerful, talented actors in Hollywood–but I’m the lead singer of Lochner’s Ghost. And might I remind her that she’s about the same age as Kirsten Dunst. Think about how young Kirsten was in INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE and you realize what I’m getting at.

I realize how good this will be for Katie’s career (after all, look what it did for Nicole Kidman). I mean, just having her name attached to Cruise’s will make her more bankable. My parents (who I think do a fine job of representing the Average American) had no idea who Penelope Cruz was until she gave some ass to Tom. Suddenly, Katie Holmes will be a known name in middle America. I guarantee that if Katie Holmes is competing with Claire Danes for any roles, Katie gets the role now.

How will this affect Tom’s career? It won’t. He’s Teflon. He’s too big–nothing short of child molestation could derail his career (big shout out to Michael Jackson!). The more important question is how will this affect me?

Well, I’m taking it hard, but I’ll manage. The 8x10 of Katie no longer resides on my nightstand. I refuse to buy the Dawson’s Creek dvds (though I bet Tom’s kids have them... eeww). I will not see First Daughter. However, I still love you, Katie, and I’ll be there waiting with open arms when Tom dumps you for Dakota Fanning...

Snapple Expiration Date

2005-04-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

Does anybody know if Snapple ever goes bad? I tried the new Snapple Banana flavoured drink (which leaves a lot to be desired, but I’m a sucker for banana-flavoured things so I had to try it), and after I finished it I noticed there was a contest on it that expired November 2004. That was like six months ago. Am I gonna die now, having drank old Snapple? What a stupid way to go...

It's 3 PM, I Must Be Crazy

2005-04-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

How the hell does the new Rob Thomas cd sell out at Target? Who the hell besides me is buying this thing?

Happy Travels

2005-04-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

Two good friends of mine, Jen and Ande, are going away to traipse around the world for several months, leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves come July 4th. I’d like to bid them a fond farewell and a safe journey, and I look forward to their return.

I’ll also take this opportunity to pimp their blogs again, as they bear repeating:

http://soynoodles.blogspot.com/
and
http://thatssopads.blogspot.com

The Pads blog may not get a lot of updating for a while due to the trip, but the Soy Noodles site should get frequent new content, as the girls plan on using the blog to document their trip. They take great photos, so it’ll be a fun way for the rest of us travel-challenged folk to live vicariously through them.

Oh, and they encourage comments on their blog, too. Unless you’re a Republican.

Sideways

2005-04-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

I watched Sideways with a couple of friends last night. I think it lived up to some of the hype, though not all of it, perhaps. I agree that Paul Giamatti was wrongly denied an Oscar nomination, and that Lowell (a.k.a. Thomas Hayden Church) rightfully deserved his. I feel that Virginia Madsen was overrated in the film–not that she was bad in the movie, but I didn’t feel she had all that much of a role. At the very least, I didn’t feel the role warranted Oscar recognition. Still, perhaps that’s just a comment on the sorry state of women’s roles in Hollywood right now...

We watched the film while drinking a cheap yet tasty pinot, which seemed quite appropriate. I know next to nothing about wine, and unlike many others, have not been inspired to learn about wine by this film. I am, however, inspired to keep writing after watching this film–partly because it’s a very well-written film, and partly because Giamatti’s character is a writer in the film. He’s not a successful writer, but his writing helps him get the chick, so...

Guess Who

2005-04-12T10:02:00.000-07:00

So I had a few hours to kill after work and I went to the movies. Alas, the only thing playing at the time I got there was Guess Who, a modern-day take on the classic Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner. Let me just say this: Ashton Kutcher is no Sidney Poitier.

The highest compliment I can muster for this film is that I didn’t want to die while watching it. That said, it’s still predictable and often dull. A lot of the jokes fall flat, and there are no real surprises here (and that holds true regarding Ashton’s acting also). There are a couple of amusing moments–most notably the scene where Ashton’s character gets roped into telling black jokes at the dinner table (though a lot of the humour came from the actual jokes, most of which I’d actually never heard before–take that as you will). The ending, however, is unforgivably treacly.

I paid $8 to see this (assuming I’d also get to see another flick in a two-fer, but that didn’t work out...), and I’d implore you to wait until you catch this on cable (or until some unsuspecting friend of yours rents/buys the dvd).

Satan

2005-04-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” Kevin Spacey says this in The Usual Suspects. It got me thinking about the existence of the Devil. We live in a culture where the existence of God gets routinely questioned, and yet the existence of Satan becomes an afterthought. It’s widely assumed that if God exists, then naturally the Devil does too. I would contend that this isn’t so. Indeed, I propose to you that the Devil, as he’s commonly considered, does not really exist. The horned, demonic, pitchfork-wielding Satan isn’t real. Satan is merely an idea, a concept that represents the unknown or the forbidden.

I’ll show this to you in three ways. First, I’ll illustrate how the origin of Satan as told in the Bible (and Paradise Lost) doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Second, I’ll explain how Satan has been used for years as a religious scapegoat. Third, I’ll propose that Satan merely exists as a conceptual counterpoint to God, providing the foundation for Judeo-Christian religion.

In the beginning, Satan (then called Lucifer) was God’s favourite angel. He was the most high, the most beautiful, the most exalted of the heavenly host, but for Lucifer it wasn’t enough. He decided to attempt to overthrow God, and take over heaven for himself and his followers. As the story goes, Satan’s army was defeated and cast into hell. Satan became the fallen, the serpent, the father of lies, the prince of darkness. He became the Devil.

First, we are asked to accept that God can have a favourite angel, thus setting a precedent for jealousy and envy. This precedent gets confirmed when Lucifer is described as being envious of God’s authority. Then we are asked to believe that an angel actually believed he could overpower God, and that he had the gall to try. Naturally, God quashes the uprising—after all, God is described in the Bible as being all-knowing and all-powerful.

Couldn’t we assume that an angel would know this? Does it make any sense at all for an angel to think he could actually beat God? Why would Lucifer try to overtake God, if he knew he would lose?

I don’t know. The truth is, none of it makes any sense. If you accept the Bible’s explanation of God’s omnipotence, then the only reason Satan rebels is because it’s all part of God’s plan. The existence of hell, of evil, depends on the existence of a fallen angel, and Satan becomes that angel. The idea of the conniving, lying, treacherous Devil doesn’t hold up under this reasoning. Satan becomes merely a deluded pawn, believing he has real power, real will, when actually he’s doing exactly what’s expected of him.

Based on this idea, Satan isn’t really responsible for his actions. I find this ironic, since my second point is that Satan often gets used as the scapegoat for religious believers. Everything—all the evil, all the sin—gets blamed on Satan. It’s never simply the will of a human being to do wrong; Satan is always tempting him.

I discussed Satan’s fall from heaven. What follows next is the Garden of Eden. Satan, the tempter, convinces Eve to eat the apple, thereby initiating Original Sin. Think about that for a second: Satan is responsible for all sin. Naturally, what follows from this is that people are not responsible. Sure, churches will teach us to take responsibility for what we do, to confess our sins, to repent—but the idea is always that there is an external pressure forcing us to do evil, tempting us, and that we need the strength of the Church to ward off this pressure. Without the Church, we are vulnerable to Satan’s temptations, to his ability to lead us into evil.

Why would Satan try to tempt humanity to do evil? Why coax a person to sin? What does Satan have to gain from such attempts? What—he is so incensed over being expelled from heaven, and this is his only way to exact his revenge? Please. The truth is, Satan doesn’t make any of us do anything. We do it.

Satan has become this easy out, a way for people to shirk responsibility for their actions. The whole reason that humanity is supposed to be unique, to be special, is that we’re supposedly blessed with free will—the ability to choose to do right or wrong. The whole idea of free will is undermined by the idea of Satan causing us to sin.

This brings me to my third point—Satan is necessary as a counterpart to God. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that in order for humanity to have free will, a bona fide choice must be offered. It must be God or something else. That something else is Satan. Without Satan, the choice becomes God or nothing, which is no choice at all. Satan is necessary to provide an alternative to God.

Think about it: If I ask you if you’re having a good day, you can say yes because you also have a concept of what a bad day is. Without a concept for bad, there is no concept for good. God wouldn’t be good without Satan. God would just be. The existence of Satan defines God as the good guy, by having Satan represent the bad.

In this way, Satan becomes merely a symbol of something greater, something less defined. It doesn’t matter if Satan is the physical embodiment of the angel Lucifer after his fall from heaven. It doesn’t matter if Satan is the anthropomorphic being with horns and a tail that so often gets portrayed by the Church or popular culture. All that matters is that Satan represents Not God. The Pagans would tell you that Satan is simply a bastardization of the their god by the Christians. Satanists would tell you that Satan is just a term for the dark forces of nature unexplained or unadopted by religion or science. I believe that Satan represents the Other, the unknown, mystery. He’s the boogeyman, the vague threat just outside the window, just around the corner, threatening us, forcing us to seek the solace and safety of faith. Satan, simply put, is Fear.

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” I propose to you that the greatest trick ever pulled by convincing you that he ever did.

Horoscope

2005-04-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

Ever get the feeling that your horoscope is lying to you?

“Something you thought was a fantasy is suddenly real. This is what you've waited for.”

Bullshit. I happen to know for a fact this isn’t true.

Bad enough for friends to lie to you, but when your horoscope starts lying, who can you trust?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2005-04-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

David Bowie once sang, “Time may change me, but I can’t trace time.” Well, time has definitely changed Dodger Stadium. We went there yesterday for the final exhibition game of spring training, against the “Los Angeles” Angeles of Anaheim. The changes to the renovated stadium are immediately noticeable. In fact, when I saw the stadium on television Saturday I didn’t even recognize it. It was even more interesting to go see the changes in person.

First, there are tons more ads. I thought there were too many ads last year. I guess I didn’t know what I was talking about. The place is littered with them. Gone are the cool images of Dodgers from the past on the outfield walls, replaced by ads for Ameriquest and Albertsons and others.

Then there are the new seats. They cut into the foul territory quite a bit, and seem really close to the actual playing field. If I had tickets in these seats I’d probably love them, but being one level above them I can’t say I have an opinion either way. However, they seem to be affecting the right fielder’s ability to field the ball (or maybe he just sucks).

The dugouts have been moved in to accommodate the new seats. They’ve also put safety railings in front of the dugouts, which is a very good thing (though it looks weird to me). The stupid rubber warning track from last year has been re-replaced with natural a dirt warning track, an aesthetically pleasing and practical decision.. Also, it looks like the field level seats have been upgraded, though they haven’t gotten to our seats in the loge level yet so I must reserve judgment.

The neatest renovation is the new electronic scoreboard/screen that runs along the edge of the first tier of the stadium. It’s very cool, though I don’t think they’re using it to its full potential yet (it mostly shows ads).

Overall, I give the new upgrades a B, maybe a B+ (we’ll see how those new seats affect play before we give our final grade).

Sin City

2005-04-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

I saw Sin City yesterday, and it completely lived up to my expectations. I had high hopes, too, as I’m a big fan of the Frank Miller comics. As widely reported, Robert Rodriguez’s film stays incredibly true to the source material—not just in terms of plot and dialogue, but also in terms of look. The movie is virtually a shot-for-shot remake of the graphic novels, and the novels are quite graphic.

I think the film gets away with a lot of the violence because of the black-and-white (with occasional splashes of colour) look of the film and the cartoonish over-the-top scenarious in which the violence occurs. This film is easily as violent and hardcore as Pulp Fiction, but the violence in Pulp seemed so much more real. Still, this isn’t a movie for the faint of heart. With numerous decapitations and amputations (not to mention cannibalism), there’s plenty to keep the squeamish wriggling.

The performances were satisfactory across the board—it’s pulpy, hard-boiled noir dialogue, so it’s a feat merely to make it come off as natural and not corny. Bruce Willis shines as a wrongfully-disgraced cop trying to save a little girl from a violent pedophile. Clive Owen does cool aloofness to a tee. Most of the women aren’t given much more to do than look hot, but they do that well. I even liked Josh Hartnett in this film, and I hate Hartnett. But it’s Mickey Rourke who really shines, playing a homicidal-yet-noble brute named Marv. It’s Mickey’s best role in years by far, and anyone who knows me knows how thrilled I am to see Mickey return to form as a captivating, eminently watchable star (despite his grotesque visage in this film).

This film won’t be for everybody. The violence will make it hard to swallow for some, while others won’t buy into the neo-noir storylines and dialogue. My guess is that the wholly unique visual look will be a turnoff to many mainstream moviegoers. It’s something that can only be fully appreciated when having read the comics.

Project Update

2005-03-31T09:58:00.000-08:00

I’ve been lax in keeping up with my character blogs and my story. Life keeps getting in the way. Mind you, I’m not complaining. It’s nice to be busy, to be out doing stuff, having fun, not constantly living vicariously through my characters. However, as a result, the characters’ lives have been slightly on hold.

I aim to rectify that right soon. I’m gonna set some time aside this weekend to update blogs. The project’s just getting so big that it’s harder and harder to maintain. And readers are noticing when updates are late—which is very cool. It means that people are into the blogs. Plus it gives me motivation to keep things current (I hate to disappoint my fans…).

The overall response to the online project has been rather positive, which makes me feel good. It is by no means perfect, but so far people seem entertained (and not just my friends, either). All I can say for now is that things are going to get even better in the near future, as a couple more characters gain prominence and the story expands to include more subplots. Also, as a fun side note, some friends have volunteered their images to be used as characters, so the match.com and friendster accounts, the yahoo profiles, the blogs, etc. will have some pictures soon!

Now the only other thing for me to focus on is spreading the word about the online projects to others. This is where you come in. If you’re digging the project, pass it on to your friends to read. If you think it kinda sucks, pass it on to your friends so y’all can bag on it. Either way, just pass it on…

Friend or Faux

2005-03-28T10:34:00.000-08:00

So according to my friends, I have become the king of the “faux” date. Allow me to explain the faux date for those not in the know:

The faux date is when you take out someone as a friend. There is generally no physical interaction (i.e. kissing, sex, etc), but you do wind up paying for the date. Essentially, the point of the faux date is simply to enjoy someone else’s company, knowing full well that the odds of it leading to anything more than that are very slim.

I apparently have the faux date down to a science. However, I’m undecided as to whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, I enjoy the faux dates–I always seem to have fun, and obviously I’m not obligated to do them so I must like them. Still, there’s a certain degree of dissatisfaction to the faux date that leaves me cold.

Most people cite the lack of sex/sexual activity as the problem. This is a knee-jerk reaction for most people, as if sex is the ultimate goal of dating someone. It’s a fallacy. The lack of sex isn’t the problem. Strangely (and sadly), not getting sex is something that isn’t bothering me. What bothers me is the lack of romance. In the faux date, you can muster up some flirting, but bona fide romance is a no-no. Usually, your date will become instantly uncomfortable if you go with the overt romantic move (flowers, candlelight dinner, etc).

Since I’ve decided that a little romance might be what’s missing in my life, the faux date isn’t filling the void as much as it used to. This doesn’t mean I’ll stop doing them; I just realize that I need to be on the lookout for something more. The problem, of course, is that it’s difficult to find the right person to be something more. I meet plenty of attractive, nice women–but that’s not enough. I need someone smart, someone funny, someone genuinely interesting. They’re not easy to come by, and on the extremely rare occasion that I’ve met one, it hasn’t worked out. C’est la vie, I reckon...

Fortunately for you all, it gives me more time to work on my blogs. At least my characters have some romance in their lives...

What--No Green Eggs?

2005-03-27T17:32:00.000-08:00

How come everybody makes ham on Easter? Is it just to thumb noses at the Jews?

What's So Good About It, Anyway?

2005-03-25T14:15:00.000-08:00

So it’s Good Friday (for those heathens out there, Good Friday is the day Christ was crucified before supposedly rising from the dead three days later on Easter). Apparently I am the only person I know who has to work the entire day today. Indeed, I actually have to work late. Everyone else seems to either have the day off or is getting off early. My friends keep calling me: “Hey, what are you doing?” I’m at work, damn it. What are you doing? Mocking me?

It would appear that Christ died not only for our sins, but also so we could get a half-day before the Easter weekend. I guess I’m the heathen, then, since I didn’t get the half-day.

The Ring 2

2005-03-24T13:21:00.000-08:00

Saw The Ring 2 last night, and I’ll give it the typical sequel review: not as good as the first one.

There’s a lot to like about this movie. There’s good imagery, a lot of which ties it to the first film (so hopefully you’ve seen the first film, or you might feel a little lost). Also, the director uses a lot of clever camera angles and tracking shots, giving a bit of a fresh look to the film (this was mostly evident in the beginning of the film, and seemed to regress into standard shots later on). And, of course, Naomi Watts is typically good.

The main problem with the film is that it lacks a sense of urgency. In the first Ring, Naomi had seven days to figure out how to beat the evil videotape before she died (wow, the movie sounds really stupid when you sum it up like that). In this one, there wasn’t the same sense of impending dread. I didn’t really feel like Naomi had a time constraint in saving the day, and the lack of tension was noticeable.

Also, the evil Samara just isn’t really scary anymore. We’ve seen her too much. It’s like Jason or Freddy or Michael Myers–after a while, their image alone isn’t frightening enough. Oh, and seeing her crawl up the well? Sure, it’s cool and creepy, but if bitch could crawl like that then why couldn’t she have just gotten out of the goddamn well in the first place?

The Ring 2, unlike the first Ring, does not follow its Japanese counterpart. It’s a shame, because the Japanese Ring 2 is actually almost as good as the first one. Mind you, this one is pretty good–it’s got scares and a decent plot. It just isn’t an amazing film, and you could probably wait for the dvd.

No Smoking

2005-03-20T10:26:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or are smokers disappearing? It seems that almost everyone I know doesn’t smoke, and many of the smokers I do know are quitting (or at least trying to quit). Hell, even my characters don’t smoke or are trying to quit. What the hell?

Has the LA ban on smoking in public establishments really been this effective? Are people not smoking because it’s just so damn inconvenient? I mean, let’s face it, with the weather we’ve been having lately, who wants to go outside for a smoke?

I refuse to believe that those anti-smoking PSAs where a bunch of activists storm the tobacco company are really having this much of an effect. I just don’t buy it. Maybe cigarettes are just too expensive now. But gas is expensive too, and I don’t know anybody taking the bus...

It all sucks, because I just got my cool Zippo lighter fixed, and there are no more cute smokers to light cigarettes for...

Fortune Cookie

2005-03-17T13:18:00.000-08:00

Do you ever get the feeling that Chinese fortune cookies are mocking you? Here’s my fortune from today’s lunch: “This is a prosperous time in life for you.” Now, not to put too fine a point on it, but I am not feeling all that prosperous lately. In fact, quite the contrary–money’s tight.

I get this a lot–Chinese fortune cookies that not only don’t seem right, but actually seem antagonistic. It’s like they’re written by my ex or something. On occasion I’ll get a good one, but even then it feels hollow and empty. Case in point–here’s one I got a while back: “Good things will come to you in due time.” Let me repeat: I got this one a while back. I’m still waiting for the good things to come.

Here’s another: “Luck will be yours when you least expect it.” This sucks, because the fortune has just made me expect it. Now it won’t come. It’s a self-defeating fortune.

Wouldn’t you prefer more realistic fortunes? I think I’d appreciate the honesty of something like: “Life’s a bitch–go have a beer,” or “She’s just not that into you, sorry.”

Proud Mary

2005-03-16T09:20:00.000-08:00

Something funny happened last night. Funny or disturbing, actually, depending on how you look at it. So I’m at the bar with some friends from work, listening to people sing karaoke. This cute blonde girl that I’ve never seen there before steps up and does an amazing rendition of “Proud Mary.” The crowd loves it. I love it. I’m instantly drawn to her.

She’s got a girl-next-door look to her, which makes her rather approachable. My friend Mad and I wind up chatting with her a little bit, mostly just telling her how impressed we were with her singing.

A little later on, she catches me looking at her and smiles. I smile back. Suddenly, I realize I might be “in there.” Realize for a moment that, contrary to common belief, I am not a pickup artist. I have no bar game. At all. I have never been able to do this, and have never really put much work into trying. Still, this situation seems tailor-made...a sure thing, if you will.

I chat with her a couple of times. She tells me her name, I crack a few jokes. We keep touching each other; it’s very flirty. I decide to ask for her number, even though she says she’s gonna keep coming to the bar (I’m well aware of how bad an idea it is to leave things to chance). However, when I go to ask for the number, I put my arm around her, lean in to whisper some silly come-on in her ear, and at the moment of truth–I hesitate.

For some reason, instead of asking for her number, I wind up saying goodnight. I don’t know if it’s because of all the other guys flirting with her (I hate competition) or if I’m suddenly nervous (unlikely, especially at that point), but for whatever reason I decide not to ask for the number. I figure it’s okay; I can always ask her the next time I see her.

I find out later that evening from Mad that apparently the girl and I play on the same team. Yes, she is a self-admitted lesbian (apparently she likes Latin girls). I’m actually stunned, because I have never hit on a lesbian without knowing she was a lesbian. It’s just never happened before. It’s not like I have flawless gaydar, but I usually am able to pick up on these things. And even if I don’t, I don’t usually mistake that a girl is into me when she’s not. I second-guess things too much for that.

So now, the next time I see her, instead of asking for her number, I plan to ask what she thought of last week’s episode of The L Word...

Exorcist: The Beginning

2005-03-12T16:29:00.000-08:00

Got Exorcist: The Beginning on dvd this week. Many people hated this movie, but I actually liked it. Let me be clear–in no way does it compare to the original, which I feel still stands as the scariest movie ever. But I liked this one. I liked the clever nods to the original (so long as you don’t get too hung up on how a lot of the images that are repeated should have greater meaning in the original if Father Merrin saw them in the past), and I liked hearing the devil’s voice again.

By no means is it a perfect film, but it’s way better than the shitty Exorcist 2: The Heretic, and in my opinion is even better than the decent Exorcist III. Stellan Skarsgard makes a great young Merrin (although I’d have loved to have seen what Liam Neeson would’ve brought to the role). Izabella Scorupco is overrated as a beauty, but she does okay work here.

The real interesting thing is that the Renny Harlin version in theaters was actually a redone version of the Paul Schrader version. Originally, Schrader was the director. He turned in a version that the studio thought was too psychological, and not scary/gory enough. So they had Harlin come in. Harlin completely redid the film, cutting certain characters and replacing them with others. Supposedly something like 2 minutes of the original film was used in Harlin’s version. But the money-grubbing studio, quick to make a buck, will be releasing Schraeder’s version on dvd. I’m quite curious to see it and compare...

Valet

2005-03-10T13:08:00.000-08:00

I hate valets. I just hate them. It’s nothing personal. It’s not even like there was any trauma that has made me hate them. I just do. I can’t stand letting someone else drive my car. I never let my ex drive my car, so why am I gonna just hand my keys over to some jackass minimum wage employee in a red jacket?

That’s another thing: I hate giving away my keys to the valet. It’s just weird for me to not have my keys on me. I’ve recently battled this by taking off the car key and keeping my other keys, but it still bothers me.

I discussed this recently with some girlfriends. They were saying that when a guy takes them out and doesn’t valet, they just think he’s cheap. I’m not cheap (well, I am, but not in this case). I don’t give a damn about the valet cost. I just don’t want to give them my keys and let them drive my car. I want to park it myself. I want to be able to leave without having to wait for my car.

My friend says this fear comes from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. You know the scene where the valets take the Ferrari out for a joyride? That’s my nightmare. Granted, I drive a Saturn, but still...

Ladies seem to love valet, though. When you’re on a date, you’ve just got to suck it up and valet, because your date wants to feel important enough to be catered to in such a way. She doesn’t feel important when she’s trudging along an uneven sidewalk in four-inch heels for three blocks.

Also, I was informed that when a woman meets a man for a date (say a first date, or especially a blind date), they love valet because it precludes any awkward goodbye moment. Their car arrives, and they have to go. The guy doesn’t get a chance to plan his kiss/hug/handshake/whatever. Very clever, ladies.

Breakfast Buffet

2005-03-07T00:02:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine took me to a church social tonight. She told me that it’s a great place to meet women, as there are many more women than men there and that many of the men are gay. She was true to her word—there must’ve been four girls for every boy, and twelve girls for every straight boy.

I get comfortable early, realizing that I’m in a target-rich environment and that the odds are in my favour. An attractive blonde starts chatting me up, and while she’s nice enough and pretty enough, I’m not all that interested. There are just too many other attractive women around. I liken it to the buffet in Las Vegas—you don’t sit there eating the chicken when there’s all that shrimp there!

But a funny thing happened while I was talking to the one girl. Most of the other women left. En mass. It was weird—one minute I’m in a sea of estrogen, the next minute I’m at a weenie roast. Not all the girls left, but the happy ratio I witnessed when I first arrived had changed dramatically, and not for the best. I didn’t even know what had happened.

My friend told me that many of the women here come to the socials, see that it’s the same people as always, and then leave early. She wasn’t joking. A little over an hour into the soiree, the party had pretty much flamed out.

Another friend of mine jumped onto my buffet analogy, explaining that it’s the breakfast buffet. You gotta get there early, and you gotta grab what you want fast before it runs out. If I do one of these church socials again, I’ll have to keep that in mind.

Bait-and-Switch

2005-03-06T18:42:00.000-08:00

There’s nothing I hate more than the bait-and-switch. You know what I’m talking about—when you’re expecting one thing, and then given another. For example, today I was supposed to join my parents for a movie. While on my way to the theater, I get a call from my mother telling me there’s been a change in plans and asking me to come to their house. Instead of a movie day, I get a day of moving furniture and steam cleaning couches. Bait-and-switch.

The bait-and-switch is worst in the dating world. Nothing sucks more than when you think you’re going out for a romantic evening and instead you find that you’re hanging out with a group of friends. Actually there is something worse—when you are interested in someone, and they seem interested back, and then they try to set you up with their friend. Bait-and-switch.

So this is my explanation of why you’re getting a rant instead of a movie review. I didn’t get to the movies this weekend. I got a few DVDs, but haven’t had a chance to watch any of them since I was too busy doing manual labour. So, no movie review—just me bitching.

Bait-and-switch.

Damn Dirty Apes

2005-03-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

It seems that someone took my monkey post to heart:

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/04/chimp.attack.ap/index.html

Yes, yes...I realize that chimps are not monkeys. But they’re close enough, and they attacked that guy almost as if being ordered to do so... At least, I hope someone’s controlling them. Otherwise, what we have is a Planet of the Apes type situation. That’s way scarier...

“Damn you all to hell!!!!”

Inside Deep Throat

2005-02-27T01:10:00.000-08:00

I checked out the documentary Inside Deep Throat last night. The film doesn’t quite blow me away, but I still found it interesting. It does a good job of cataloguing the making of the seminal adult film Deep Throat, detailing its unpredictable, meteoric rise to mainstream success. It also chronicles the intense efforts of the government to shut the film down.

If there’s any true revelation in the film, it’s how the men responsible for the moral crusade against the porno film still think they’ve won their battle against Deep Throat, while the mere existence of this documentary is proof that they haven’t. I think my favourite quote from the film is when one of the prosecutors comments that he could continue doggedly enforcing the obscenity laws if only they could “get those terrorists to go away.”

This film is not for the prudish or faint-of-heart. Considering the subject matter, it stands to reason that there would be some explicit footage shown, including the infamous scene in Deep Throat that made its star, Linda Lovelace, famous (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then just skip this movie entirely). Interestingly, none of the footage shown comes off as particularly titillating.

Maybe it’s because the scenes are couched within the documentary format, or maybe it’s just because the film was shot in the 70’s—whatever the case, Inside Deep Throat is not a film that’s meant to excite you. It’s meant to educate and inform you. It does this adequately, if not spectacularly. The film has a definite liberal slant, but it doesn’t come off too heavy-handed. I don’t feel this is a particularly important film, but it’s definitely a good flick if you have any interest in the porn industry or the first amendment.

It’s also worth seeing just to see what Harry Reems looks like these days.

The Aviator

2005-02-27T01:08:00.000-08:00

I saw The Aviator right after seeing Constantine. A strange double feature, sure, but consider this: Gwen Stefani has a small role in The Aviator (as Jean Harlow) and Gavin Rossdale is in Constantine. There’s the connection!

The Aviator lives up to the hype as a grand epic movie. If you have any affinity for old-school Hollywood or airplanes, you should enjoy the film. Hell, if you simply love good acting, you’ll enjoy it. DiCaprio earns his Oscar nod by pulling off a fantastic performance—he’s so good that within minutes you forget that he simply looks too young for the role. It’s a shame that DiCaprio must lose to Jamie Foxx on Sunday.

But the real acting treat is Cate Blanchett playing Katharine Hepburn. If you’ve ever watched old Hepburn films, you’ll be amazed by how she looks and, more importantly, sounds like Kate Hepburn. The performance is uncannily convincing. She’s got all the mannerisms, the tone, the attitude, down perfectly. As much as I loved Natalie Portman in Closer, as much as Laura Linney was one of the few bright spots in the overrated Kinsey, and as surprisingly impressive as Sophie Okonedo was in Hotel Rwanda (I didn’t see Sideways yet), I’d have to go with Cate on Oscar night.

The movie runs a little on the long side, but I didn’t much care. Scorsese has, in my opinion, finally nabbed his first Academy win.

Constantine

2005-02-27T01:05:00.000-08:00

I had high hopes for Constantine, and those hopes were met. I’m predisposed to like comic book movies, and this one is based on one of the great ones—Hellblazer by DC Comics. While the hero has been changed from a blonde, scruffy, British cad into Keanu Reeves, the spirit of the comic has been retained. It’s still a dark meditation on Heaven vs. Hell, Good vs. Evil, with a shady antihero caught in the middle.

This is one of the “Keanu didn’t mess it up” films. Keanu Reeves films always fall into one of three categories:

1) Films he’s actually good in. This is a short list. Basically, it’s River's Edge, My Own Private Idaho, The Gift, and Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

2) Films that are ruined by his bad acting. There are a lot of these, but my favourite example is Bram Stoker's Dracula. Good Christ…

3) Films that he doesn’t mess up. These include films like Speed and The Matrix. He’s not particularly good in these movies, but his weak acting doesn’t affect the film.

Constantine has enough going for it to overcome Keanu’s limited thespian skills (although to be fair, he does a decent job of capturing the attitude of John Constantine). The movie’s stylish visuals, creepy quick-paced story, and compelling performances by Tilda Swinton as an angel and Gavin Rossdale as a demon, make for a fun movie experience. It’s no Oscar-caliber film, and it’s not even particularly deep, but it is entertaining. Also, you gotta love a movie where Satan winds up saving the day…

Fear And Loathing In Denver

2005-02-20T23:52:00.000-08:00

Hunter S. Thompson, famed writer and journalist, has shot and killed himself in Denver, Colorado. While not a true Hunter disciple, the news still saddens me. I remember reading his articles in Rolling Stone magazine when I was growing up. His madcap, insane style, his long, trippy, hilarious tales, his “gonzo” journalism style of putting himself in his pieces…they all showed me that journalism didn’t have to be so straightforward, so…artless. It could be fun. It’s not like Thompson inspired me to be a journalist, or even a writer. He’s just the first one I remember showing me that you could bend, or even break, the rules of convention.

Those not familiar with Thompson can get a nice taste of his mad world by renting Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. It stars Johnny Depp as Thompson, and is a wonderfully insane film. You can also read the book if you’re willing to put more time and effort into it, or if you’re feeling particularly inspired, go look up the old Rolling Stone articles—fabulous stuff.

This news is kinda bringing me down. Part of me wants to write about gun control issues (Hunter was a proud NRA member and a gun lover), but I just don’t really see the point. Hunter wanted out, and he got out. Truth be told, I can’t really think of a better way for him to go, save maybe an overdose (though that might’ve seemed cliché). Whatever the case, his voice is silenced.

I can’t say that I’m any the worse for it—it’s not like I’m a huge Thompson fan or anything. I just respected him. I respected his talent. I still do. And for that, I’m sorry he’s gone, but I’m glad he left some of himself behind in his words. It’s an inspiration for the rest of us; we should all be so lucky as to write ourselves such a eulogy.

I Wonder Why The Wonderfalls

2005-02-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

I highly recommend Wonderfalls to anyone who enjoys quirky, funny, romantic shows with really sharp dialogue. The entire 13-episode series is now available on DVD, and it’s a fun romp about an underachieving philosophy grad who has taken a job as a retail clerk at a Niagara Falls gift shop. For those of you missing the witty banter of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the goofy oddity of Twin Peaks, this show may help fill that void.

It doesn’t hurt that the show’s lead, Caroline Dhavernas, is my new girl du jour. Keira Knightly now crawls into the backseat next to Katie Holmes and Alyssa Milano.

So the torrential rain prevented my old roomie from coming down and watching Wonderfalls. Is it a sign of an apocalypse? Is it The Day After Tomorrow? Whatever the case, the rain is officially affecting my life now. Goddamn condensation.

A word of warning: if you rent or buy Wonderfalls, beware of the inane-yet-strangely-infectious theme song. You’ll be singing it for days…

Turn Around, Bright Eyes...

2005-02-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

So we indulged in the sacred and ancient Japanese ritual of karaoke last night, and apparently I do a rather rousing rendition of Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” or at least I do after a couple of vanilla-n-gingers. Truth be told, I had no voice left about three lines into the songs, so I just shouted, but I guess people love it when you really go all out up there, and lemme tell you–I went all out, baby.

Poor Sandy. Sandy was my duet partner for the song, and I’m quite certain I wound up drowning her out. Serves her right for leaving our firm (we were there celebrating her freedom from our job). Anyways, it’s often a recipe for a train wreck when you get two people who aren’t totally familiar with the song to sing a duet that’s not really a duet. Fortunately, being the former lead singer of Lochner’s Ghost, I’m a professional, and I was able to roll with the punches.

Karaoke can be a strange, addictive thing. I found myself really wanting to do “Careless Whisper” later in the night. Fortunately, I was able to resist the urge long enough for us to call it an evening.

Work today sucked, as usual. I’ve had “The Pina Colada Song” stuck in my head all day. Maybe I’ll sing that at karaoke next week.

Then again, probably not. I still have some dignity left.

I think.

Movin' On Up...

2005-02-15T12:50:00.000-08:00

So I’ve decided to move my blog to another site, http://godsandslushees.blogspot.com/. I don’t know how much technical difference this will make, nor do I know if it really affects anyone other than Nancy (who seems to be the only regular reader of this blog). However, the new site makes the blog much more aesthetically pleasing.

I’m also moving the online novel, for much the same reasons (although I was having some technical difficulties with the novel on bloglines). The novel can be found at http://theonlinenovelofvictor.blogspot.com/. Chapter 2 is up now and hopefully Chapter 3 will be up by this weekend.

Hopefully the move will increase visibility for the novel. I’m eager for critiques. Maybe I should be careful what I wish for. Still, the whole appeal to publishing the novel as a blog is the ability to receive instant feedback, good or bad. Here’s hoping people are digging it.

At the very least, it’s better than most of the crap on TV right now...

In other news, a Valentine’s Day went by without me dumping someone or being dumped by someone. Of course, it helps that I’m not really seeing anyone right now. Still, since my track record with V-Day is pretty dismal, I’m rather thrilled with having a quiet evening with friends rather than a high-drama, high-trauma date last night. And at least I didn’t get a trash can for a Valentine’s present...

Sympathy From The Devil

2005-02-11T13:59:00.000-08:00

So I recently found out that my ex-girlfriend’s best friend is dying from cancer. I’ve met the best friend; I knew her fairly well. I didn’t like her much, largely because she was a dead ringer for one of my arch-enemies. I never could get past that. However, I feel a little bad for her.

I was going to send a sympathy card to my ex, just to show a little bit of humanity and compassion. She and I ended a while back on not-so-great terms, despite efforts to be friendly. Still, I don’t hate her...

On the other hand, I am not her friend and don’t really feel the need to be there for her in her time of need. It’s not my job. It used to be my job, but I got fired. I don’t want that job back. I mean, I really don’t want that job back. The pay was decent, but the work was hard and the hours sucked. Lousy benefits, too.

So, callous as it may be, she’ll have to cope with this on her own, or with whoever warms the other side of her bed these days. It’s not my problem. I’ve got plenty of other things to deal with.

I suppose that makes me a bit of a bastard, at least in her eyes. What can I say? She wouldn’t be the first ex-girlfriend to hate me, and probably won’t be the last, either. Hell, one ex actually called me the Anti-Christ... and meant it.

I guess you can’t please all of the people all of the time...

Double Feature

2005-02-09T17:17:00.000-08:00

So I saw Million Dollar Baby last night, and I’m struck by the realization that Hillary Swank is actually a man. For real. I’m convinced of it. So naturally that Boys Don't Cry Academy Award is a fraud and Hillary Swank is the Milli Vanilli of the Oscars.

I have also decided that Clint Eastwood is the most patient director in Hollywood, and I mean that in a good way. His films all have something in common–they are all slow, letting the story unfold naturally rather than forcing an artificial pace that doesn’t really suit the tone of the movie. I find Clint to be a compelling director–much more compelling than I find his acting (though I do love the Dirty Harry films).

I also saw Hide and Seek last night...you know–that "scary" movie with Robert DeNiro and Dakota Fanning? I’ve decided three things after watching this film:

1. I want my children to be Dakota Fanning (when I have children) (if I have children).

2. Robert DeNiro was better in Cape Fear.

3. Robert Mitchum was even better than DeNiro in Cape Fear.

Don’t get me wrong–Hide and Seek is a decent film, worth at least a rental from most folks. I just think I would’ve liked it more if I hadn’t been waiting for the goddamn twist. It seems that every "suspense" movie these days feels the need to have some shocking, Sixth Sense-style twist ending. The problem is that once the viewer starts anticipating the twist, it’s no longer shocking (I saw Hide and Seek's "surprise" coming a mile away, and I’m sure I’m not the only one).

This "Twist-Mania" is ruining ruining the suspense genre. A great example of my point is M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village. I’m one of the twelve people who actually loved it, and I think the reason why I love it is because the movie’s not really about the "twist." The movie is a love story and a social commentary, first and foremost, and a suspense film second. The film is not a horror film, even though it was marketed as such (I believe this is why so many people were dissatisfied with the movie).

The Village is an example of a film that understands that the movie doesn’t have to be (and indeed shouldn't be) focused on the surprise. Tell a good story. The twist will just be a bonus. Ironically, Shyamalan is the guy primarily responsible for Twist-Mania, and he’s the one that I believe has the best chance of bucking the trend (well, that’s not really ironic–that’s Alanis Morissette ironic).

Next up: Constantine. Keanu Reeves goes to hell. How can you not buy a ticket for that?

"Fly, my pretties!"

2005-02-08T12:16:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who doesn’t get the intrinsic humour of monkeys? I just don’t think they’re funny. Yet American advertising wizards still feel compelled to put them in commercials (especially beer commercials...I don’t know what that’s about). The series of commercials featuring monkeys in the office place that debuted during the Super Bowl is the most recent example of this. Oh, look, the monkeys are acting like humans. How amusing.

I feel this "monkey business" (bad pun, I know) is a lazy advertising practice. Some ad hack can’t think of a clever or witty ad hook, so he goes with monkeys (or a cute kid or a talking animal...whatever). The old saying is that "everybody loves monkeys." Well, I’m part of "everybody" and I don’t love monkeys. In fact, I think I rather dislike monkeys.

Monkeys I don’t hate: Donkey Kong, the monkey that saved Indiana Jones from eating the poisonous date in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Brass Monkey, the Rally Monkey (though he’s pushing it), "Monkey" by George Micheal, and Chunky Monkey ice cream (please note the conspicuous absence of Marcel the monkey from the TV show "Friends." Screw that monkey. If I get a chance, I’ll run him over).

Monkey commercials pander to the lowest common denominator–that jackass in middle America who giggles with glee whenever he sees a monkey in shirttails. It’s the same audience that tunes in to America's Funniest Home Videos and watches without any sense of shame, guilt, or irony.

I guess it’s time to face facts: these people outnumber me, and so long as they do, I’ll continue to be inundated with images of monkeys driving cars and drinking beers and talking on the telephone. I guess there’s only two possible courses of action: either stop watching TV (unlikely) or train some monkeys to thin out the herd in middle America (less unlikely?). I could have my own monkey army...

Are You Troubled By Irregularity?

2005-02-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

So my original idea was to post something every day. Obviously, that’s not gonna work. So I’ve been trying to think of a schedule–say every other day, or five days a week. However, I don’t want to be locked into such a routine (contrary to popular belief, I do have a life). So I guess I’ll post when I damn well feel like it.

I was listening to Mark & Brian on KLOS this morning, and they had a little acoustic heavy metal concert in their studio. Go back and read that sentence again. For emphasis: ACOUSTIC HEAVY METAL. You gotta love that. My favourite part was when they introduced Kip Winger, formerly of the band Winger. So what does Winger do without Kip Winger? Was there another Winger in the group, a la Van Halen?

I don’t even like heavy metal. Why the hell are we talking about this again?

Anyways, I’ll try to post often enough to keep things interesting. I’ve got my online novel up now (http://www.bloglines.com/blog/VictorDAngelo) So you can check that out too–that one I will be updating on a regular schedule...probably once a week. Unless I start dating someone seriously. My normal bitches and hos shouldn’t get in the way...

NetVic's

2005-02-04T11:33:00.001-08:00

I bought Ray and The Grudge this week, increasing my obscenely large dvd collection. I’d say I average about one dvd per week–I tend to buy them as they come out. It’s a practice that started in college. My roommate and I used to rent movies from Blockbuster, but we were really bad about returning them on time. It actually became cheaper to buy the movie than to rent it, so that’s what I often wound up doing.

I can’t remember the last time I actually rented a video. I buy so many that I don’t even have the time to watch them all. However, they do all get watched–I lend movies out regularly to friends and coworkers. My coworkers have taken to calling me NetVic’s, as a take on the dvd mail-order service NetFlix. The rules are pretty similar–I’ll hand them a couple movies, and they can hold on to them as long as they need. They bring them back and then they can take more.

So far people seem pretty pleased about this. Obviously the price is right (free), so nobody really complains. Of course, while I have an extensive collection, I don’t have everything. For example, you won’t find the latest Jennifer Lopez crapfest at NetVic’s. However, you have the opportunity to borrow any installment of the Friday the 13th series (actually, NetVic’s is probably much more satisfying if you really like cheesy horror films).

I realize that I spend too much money on dvds. Still, it’s nice when people come over to the crib (I apologize–I just really wanted to refer to my apartment as a "crib") to hang out because I’m almost certainly likely to have something they’d want to watch. Also it’s nice when my sister invites me over to visit and asks me to bring movies, and I can bring an assortment of twenty or so for her to choose from.

I used to do movie nights–double-feature evenings that usually had a theme, like "Scary Movie Night" or "Janeane Garofalo Night" (I realize that some people may find that redundant). The movie nights used to be very successful, but have fallen off in recent years. Maybe people just don’t want to drive out to The Valley to watch movies. West Side snobs...

I see that the Wonderfalls complete series dvd box set came out this week also. I’ll have to pick that up too. Great show–I highly recommend it to everyone. Perhaps I’ll have a Wonderfalls marathon this weekend...that is, if I can finish up my 21 Jump Street Season One marathon...

Oh, come on–everyone loves Johnny Depp...

Isn't It Ironic...Don't You Think?

2005-02-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

No, Alanis, I don’t think it’s ironic. At all.

I was driving to work this morning, and I left a bit earlier than normal to avoid traffic. Instead, I actually hit more traffic. How ironic, I thought.

Then I thought again: No, it’s not ironic–unless you’re Alanis Morissette.

See, way back in 1996 Alanis became the laughingstock of English majors everywhere when she released her hit single, "Ironic." The song purported to be a listing of several ironic anecdotes, but none of them were truly ironic in the classical sense of the word. Well...the "no smoking sign on your cigarette break" might be ironic, but all the others are simply a series of bummers. Black fly in your Chardonnay? Bummer. Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife? Bummer.

But not ironic.

So a while back, to explain this phenomenon of people saying things are ironic when they really aren’t, I coined the phrase "Alanis Morissette Irony." See, there’s actual irony (defined by American Heritage as "the use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning") and Alanis Morissette irony (which is something that’s not really ironic at all, but is an amusing bummer).

I used to think (like all English majors) that Alanis had to be the biggest moron on the planet because of this song. Then it occurred to me that maybe she’s not a moron at all; perhaps she’s a genius. Consider: Alanis writes a song called "Ironic" that has nothing to do with irony–and isn’t that ironic...don’t you think?

Enter The Ninja

2005-02-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

I was contemplating the ninja last night, the 14th century Japanese assassins popularized in the 1980s by a string of cheesy martial arts films. I loved the ninja phenomenon of the 80s. Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, Ninja III: The Domination–ninja flicks were the best. I think Ninja III was my favourite–that’s the one where a gym bunny in her 80s workout attire (complete with leg warmers!) gets possessed by the spirit of the ninja. Man, they just don’t make movies like that anymore...

I don’t think I knew a single boy who didn’t want to be a ninja. It was all about trying to score "authentic" ninja stars or trying to learn to walk without making sound (I can still kinda do this). Unfortunately, the ninja phenomenon eventually burned itself out. By the time we got to Ninja Turtles, the fad was tired (incidentally, the Ninja Turtles were pretty hardcore originally, before they became the pizza-eating, surfing-obsessed icons they are now).

However, I’m noticing a ninja renaissance lately. Run "ninja" through a search engine and see the myriad sites that come up (my favourite is www.ninjaburger.com). Ninjas are poised to make a big comeback.

We were discussing the word "ninja" last night. I was saying how I’ve heard the word used lately as a verb, to describe sneaking or hiding. For example: "I was late for the meeting, so I had to ninja in the back door." To be honest, I’ve been the one using it as a verb, but I think it’s catching on. I also have noticed other people (not me this time, I swear) using the word as a synonym for "friend" or "buddy" or "homie." For example: "Vic’s totally cool–he’s my ninja."

Based on this empirical evidence, I figure it’s only a matter of time before we see Ninja IV: Judgment Day.

Just Another Manic Wednesday...

2005-02-02T16:18:00.000-08:00

"6:00 already. I was just in the middle of a dream..."

I woke up this morning knowing that I’d been having a great dream. Don’t know what it was about, as I tend to not remember my dreams, but I know it was a good one (and no, it wasn’t that kind of dream). Alas, I owe, I owe, so off to work I go...

Piles of work greeted me at the office today. There’s so much work to do I can’t even feel it anymore. Hence, it becomes a good day to blow it all off, go get a few margaritas at lunch, and begin my first blogging experience.

My ex-roommate just sent me an email with our random question for the day: Which movie character would you want to be? As questions go, it’s not all that revolutionary, and the topic is so broad that it’s almost un-fun to answer. Almost.

I’m gonna go with Jason Dean from Heathers, portrayed by the now-forgotten Christian Slater (yes, I’m aware that he’s in that new crappy horror flick–so what?). Back in my high school days, Heathers was THE movie. It stands to reason, as I had several friends all named Heather. By process of elimination, that made me J.D. when we’d get together for viewings of the movie. We’re really annoying, too, as we do all the dialogue. I do a passable Christian Slater, which is really a passable Jack Nicholson when you think about it...

Anyways, the email question made me think of my favourite quote from the film, naturally spoken by J.D.: "Our love is God; let’s go get a slushee." So now that’s the name of this blog.

Simple poetry brought to you by J.D.