The Day Joey Potter Met Maverick

So I find out last night that the future Mrs. Victor (Katie Holmes to the rest of you) is now dating megastar Tom Cruise. My friend, a Tom Cruise worshiping disciple, called me last night very distressed about the news. Naturally, I have to be distressed too. I mean, even though I’m taller than Tom Cruise, what are the odds that Katie would date me once she’s been with him? Not good, obviously.

So now I have to find a way to steal Katie from Tom. I mean, sure, he’s one of the most bankable, powerful, talented actors in Hollywood–but I’m the lead singer of Lochner’s Ghost. And might I remind her that she’s about the same age as Kirsten Dunst. Think about how young Kirsten was in INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE and you realize what I’m getting at.

I realize how good this will be for Katie’s career (after all, look what it did for Nicole Kidman). I mean, just having her name attached to Cruise’s will make her more bankable. My parents (who I think do a fine job of representing the Average American) had no idea who Penelope Cruz was until she gave some ass to Tom. Suddenly, Katie Holmes will be a known name in middle America. I guarantee that if Katie Holmes is competing with Claire Danes for any roles, Katie gets the role now.

How will this affect Tom’s career? It won’t. He’s Teflon. He’s too big–nothing short of child molestation could derail his career (big shout out to Michael Jackson!). The more important question is how will this affect me?

Well, I’m taking it hard, but I’ll manage. The 8x10 of Katie no longer resides on my nightstand. I refuse to buy the Dawson’s Creek dvds (though I bet Tom’s kids have them... eeww). I will not see First Daughter. However, I still love you, Katie, and I’ll be there waiting with open arms when Tom dumps you for Dakota Fanning...