QTU

Ever have a hard time telling somebody just how good something tastes? Well, a friend of mine has devised a term to help us all out. Introducing the Quantitative Taste Unit (QTU). Now, when somebody asks, "How’s your meal?" instead of responding with, "Good," or "Mmm" or whatever variant that tells us nothing, you can respond in QTUs.

It works like this:

"How’s your meal? In QTUs?"

"Twelve."

"Wow. Let me try some."

There are flaws in the system, naturally. For example, I’m not sure what 12 QTUs represents. I know it’s better than 9 QTUs, but not as good as 16 QTUs. Still, once a median is established, I believe that the QTU will go a long way toward helping us define our dining experiences.

You know, this was all a lot funnier last night when we were drunk...

Rom Coms I Actually Like

So just because I refuse to see Must Love Dogs and Just Like Heaven and whatever other warmed-over "chick flick" that comes out, doesn’t mean that I don’t like romantic comedies. I just like good romantic comedies–usually ones that break the norm. Here, then, as Exhibit A, is a list of 15 rom coms that I really like (in no particular order):

Kissing Jessica Stein
Funny, clever, unique, and honest, this story of a woman questioning her sexuality is too damn charming–even if the ending is a little too real.

Grosse Point Blank
John Cusack is an international hitman who returns for his high school reunion. How great is that? Minnie Driver is actually desirable in the film. Also, the soundtrack kicks ass! ‘80's!

The Wedding Singer
More ‘80's! This is one of the few funny Adam Sandler movies. Really. Plus it has Billy Idol playing himself. Rockin!

Coldblooded
An obscure Jason Priestly film that is very much worth seeking out. Priestly gives a hilarious performance as a mob hitman (apparently I like "hitmen-in-love" stories) who falls for his yoga instructor. Fantastic dark comedy. Great appearance by Janeane Garofalo as a whore.

The Truth About Cats & Dogs
The truth is...I really like Janeane Garofalo. That’s what makes this otherwise ridiculous movie bearable. I really believe that Janeane might be a lonely girl who doesn’t go out on dates much (that’s much more believable than Meg Ryan or some other A-lister trying to convince me that she can’t get a date). If you don’t like Janeane (or Uma), don’t watch this... the dog on roller skates will make you pray for the sweet release of death.

Shaun of the Dead
People will dispute it, but this really is a romantic comedy. Just with zombies. The movie’s totally worth watching just for the scene with the Prince records...

Before Sunrise/Before Sunset
Okay, so these aren’t really comedies, but they are damn good romantic films. I dare say these are the best romantic movies I’ve ever seen (which, granted, might not be saying much, but whatever). Taken as a whole, they are perfect, although I prefer Before Sunset (that may just be because I’m older now and identify with those characters more).

Clueless
This is just a very clever and subversive movie–disguising Jane Austen as a teenybopper story. Alicia Silverstone is at her best here, and it’s a nice taste of pre-coked out Brittany Murphy. Plus, you’ve gotta love Travis Birkenstock.

The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls In Love
It’s like every John Hughes movie–only with lesbians.

Chasing Amy
Lesbian with a twist. I love Kevin Smith, and think this movie is far more realistic than most people realize. Sadly, I speak with a little authority on this one.

Love Actually
For some reason, many guys like this movie–and I mean guys who like sci-fi and comic book movies, and action flicks, and other "boy" stuff. I think it’s because, by and large, the men in this movie get the girl–most notably Colin, who not only gets Shannon Elisabeth while visiting America, but also brings home Denise Richards for his buddy.

Shakespeare in Love
It’s just an incredibly clever and well-written film. Forget about all the Oscar hype or how damn annoying Gwyneth Paltrow can be. The movie is funny–especially for English majors who studied a lot of Shakespeare (i.e. me).

The Sweetest Thing
Less for the love story and more for the really fun portrayal of girlfriends, I watch this movie every time it’s on TV. Sadly, when it’s on TV they cut the hell out of it, so you don’t really appreciate the most risque humour (like Selma Blair trying to get a semen drenched dress to the dry cleaner).

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
I’m loathe to call this a comedy, since I don’t really find it funny. I do, however, think it’s brilliant. It’s one of those movies I wish I’d written. Thank god it’s written by Charlie Kaufman, who wrote his first screenplay at age 30 (there’s still time!!!).

Say Anything
A true classic. Every woman wants or should want their own Lloyd Dobbler. The speech Lloyd gives about not wanting to buy, sell, or process anything as a career is gold. "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen." Heart-wrenching.

Just Like Heaven

Show me show me show me how you do that tripe
The kind that makes me scream, I said
The kind that makes me cry, I said
I clucked my tongue and shook my head

As bad as my paraphrasing/butchering of these classic Cure lyrics might be, it pales in comparison to the use of the title Just Like Heaven for the latest Reese Witherspoon suckfest. Now I don’t know exactly what this movie is about since I only saw a poster for it, but I’m pretty confident in saying that I’d rather die than see this movie. It’s obviously more Reese rom-com treacle. They should call it Just Like Sweet Home Alabama. I liked this movie better when it was called Sweet Home Alabama, and I didn’t like Sweet Home Alabama. Who am I kidding? I didn’t even watch Sweet Home Alabama.

Remember when Reese was cool? I’m talking about her Freeway, Election, Pleasantville, American Psycho days. Reese picked edgy, interesting projects. Then Legally Blonde came along and turned her into America’s Sweetheart, and now we get crappy movies like Just Like Heaven.

You know, I don’t even really care that Reese has made yet another craptacular rom-com. I just wish they hadn’t named it after a Cure song. I mean, I didn’t mind when Boys Don’t Cry came out, because it was a good title for a good movie. But I just gotta believe that Robert Smith of The Cure (and yes, that is his full name: Robert Smith of The Cure) is extra depressed by this turn of events. I mean, like, Morrissey depressed.

It makes me sad, too, because I know what happens next. If Just Like Heaven is a hit, then you know the next Julia Roberts crapfest will be called Pictures of You. Or, worse yet, we’ll see Jennifer Lopez in the feel-good chickflick of the spring, Friday I’m In Love. I’m actually getting scared just writing that. Note to studio execs who may have found their way here: Don’t Do That. Really, Hollywood, if you want to name a movie after a Cure song, why not have some balls and go for something a little tougher, like Pornography or Killing an Arab?

D'Peach Mode

I just drank a drink called D’Peach Mode. Ostensibly, it’s a mix of peach and tangelo. However, a quick look at the ingredients and you realize there’s no peach or tangelo in the drink at all. There is, however, apple and/or pear juice (I like the and/or...keeps me guessing–which one is it? pear? apple?). Whatever the case, it’s damn good. Plus, there’s no caffeine, so it’s Mormon-friendly.

And you just gotta love the name.

To All My Readers...

...all two of you. Here is my first attempt at returning to my digital world. For too long I’ve neglected my characters, my stories, and my own personal little soapbox. I have so much to say, but lately no time to say it.

So it would seem that August has become the month that Victor does favours for everyone. This explains my absence from writing (that, and the fact that work has become a very busy nightmare lately, so no blogging at work–until today, of course). So, since I’m a bit tapped out on doing things for others (and since I’m pretty much busy until September), I’ve decided that next month will be the month that Victor goes into hibernation. During that hibernation, I’m hoping that my characters will get their lives back.

The good news, my dear readers, is that I will soon have lots of stuff for you to read. Just because nothing’s been posted lately doesn’t mean nothing’s been written. Lots of stuff will come your way very shortly. New character blog? You got it. New chapter or two for the online novel? Just you wait. The long-awaited appearance of the Dev-Cat? Any minute now...

Thanks for your patience, gentle readers. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

30!

All of you bitches are 30 before me!!!!!!




...okay, maybe not all of you (and you know who you are).


But in case you don’t know who you are:
Adrienne
AJ
Amy (not you, Chalecki, you 30-yr-old slacker!)
Ande
Cara
Cannon
CJ
Darla
Laura
Heather
Mel
Nancy (psyche! You’re 30, biyotch!)
Natalie
Staci

Okay, so this list was a lot longer than I thought it was gonna be, so now I’m depressed. Fortunately, Victor is only 7 years old, so screw you all.

The Aristocrats

I’ve been raving about this film since I saw it, and most of the people I’ve told about it have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. The best of them think I’m referring to the Disney animated film, The Aristocats. Amusingly, this movie mentions how people mistake the two. After seeing this film, you’ll wonder how there could ever be a mistake.

The film is a documentary about an old joke that’s told amongst comedians, with the punchline "The Aristocrats.". The joke isn’t actually funny; it’s the way one tells the joke that’s important. Several comedians are featured in the film, telling the joke in their way and/or telling stories about the joke.

You might think that the same joke for an hour and a half might get dull. You’d be wrong. I have never laughed so long or so hard at a film as I have during this one. Be warned, though: the movie is quite blue. Rumour has it that AMC wouldn’t even book the film because it was so filthy. Now, we’re just talking words–there are no graphic images (unless you count the mime, but I don’t want to spoil that for you). Granted, the words we’re talking about are graphic, sexual, incestuous, violent, scatological, racist, necrophiliogical (is that even a word? it is now...), and so on. And just when you think it can’t get any worse, along comes Bob Saget.

Bob Saget is a filthy son of a bitch. I reckon growing up with a name like Saget, one would have to wind up with a quick, sick wit. Watch this movie, watch Saget tell "The Aristocrats," listen to other comics talk about Saget, and then think about how screwed up the Olsen twins are. You’ll realize... it’s gotta be Saget’s fault. Personally, I’ll never be able to watch America’s Funniest Home Videos ever again (wait... I never watch that anyways...).

The interesting thing is how people like Saget and Gilbert Gottfried steal the show with their sick tellings, and guys you’d expect to floor you (like George Carlin and Robin Williams) seem rather tame. If you’re a Comedy Central junkie like me, you’ll recognize a lot of the B-list comedians on parade here (oh my god, did Judy Gold actually say something funny? must be a first...).

I’m so excited to get this on DVD, especially since there’s a website where you can tell your own version of the joke for possible inclusion on the DVD release. I’ve got to go rehearse my version of the joke, though I have to admit it’s gonna be hard to out-gross screwing the bullet hole in a corpse...

Yeah, that’s the kind of movie it is.