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Quickshot Movie Reviews

The Exorcism of Emily Rose
This isn’t really a horror movie.
The commercials completely bill this as a horror movie, but in truth it’s a courtroom drama based on a real case. The movie starts with a priest getting arrested for an exorcism gone wrong. The exorcism itself is shown in flashback. While the flashbacks are a little scary, they’re not Exorcist scary. And there are long bouts of legal drama between scares.

Essentially, what you have is the scariest Law & Order episode you’ve ever seen.

The one thing that this movie maybe does better than The Exorcist is debate the idea that Emily isn’t really possessed but rather suffering from a medical condition. This idea is only marginally touched on in the updated version of The Exorcist, but dealt with in great depth in the novel. I find this idea fascinating, and it was the most compelling part about The Exorcism of Emily Rose.


The 40 Year Old Virgin
First things first: There’s nothing wrong with an adult male collecting action figures.
That said, Steve Carrell’s character Andy in The 40 Year Old Virgin is hysterical, playing up the nerdy toy collecting and bike riding and bad clothes wearing to comic perfection. The supporting cast is all great, and you’ve got to love a movie that has a musical number ("Age of Aquarius" no less).

It’s not the best comedy I’ve ever seen, but it was far funnier than I thought it’d be. And though you’ve seen that chest waxing scene so many times in commercials that it’s not funny anymore, you’re still not prepared for it in the movie. I challenge you not to wince and laugh.


A Sound of Thunder
Based on a Ray Bradbury story, this movie would have been great if it wasn’t for piss-poor CGI. The story (about what happens when you affect a timeline during time travel) is pretty interesting, and it’s handled well, but the effects leave a lot to be desired. The greenscreen is horrible, with the actors obviously walking in place and the backgrounds looking flat. The CGI monsters look okay, but they’re not even quite on par with Jurassic Park, and that was 15 years ago. It took me right out of the story.

Red Eye
Here’s another film being billed as a horror film that’s really not. This one is really a suspense film rather than a horror film–more like a Brian DePalma in the 1980's film than a Wes Craven film. Still, it’s not a bad film (and would probably be scary as an in-flight movie on an airplane).

I think that Cillian Murphy has the potential to be a star, and Rachel McAdams is slowly winning me over as a bona fide leading lady. The pacing of the movie is a little off, and of course things get a little ludicrous plot-wise, but it’s still mostly fun.


Wedding Crashers
Speaking of Rachel McAdams, here she does great work playing the heart of a film that revels in its depravity. Think I’m wrong? Then think about Will Farrell picking up chicks at a funeral. All right, then.

This was one of those movies that everyone was raving about, saying how hilarious it was and that I must see it. Usually, I wind up hating these movies, but this one lived up to the hype for once.

Vince Vaughn carries the film with his rat-a-tat dialogue, and Isla Fisher steals the movie as Vaughn’s romantic interest. The movie drags a bit during the "serious" part where you’re supposed to doubt the possibility of a happy ending, but if you can get past that (and the illogical timing of the weddings) then you should come out having laughed pretty hard. If you’re like me, you’ll want to check out the DVD so you can watch Vince Vaughn’s dialogue with subtitles so you can understand everything he’s saying.

$2.89

I got gas for $2.89 a gallon the other day, and was pretty jazzed about it. How sad is that?

Miami Vice

So I’ve been watching Season 1 of Miami Vice on DVD (I’m obsessed with TV on DVD, by the way), and I realized something that I think most of us have forgotten: Tubbs is the big pussyhound on Miami Vice, not Crockett. It’s easy to assume that Don Johnson was the one chasing all the girls, and while he does his fair share of scamming, it’s Phillip Michael Thomas chasing (and getting) most of the ass.

I’m so jazzed about this Miami Vice movie coming up. Yes, it’s gonna be cheesy. The show was cheesy (don’t believe me? check out the DVD). But here’s five ways to make the movie interesting:

1. Have the film set in present day, but have Crockett and Tubbs wear the same fashions from the mid-‘80s that they wore on the show.

2. Have Edward James Olmos reprise his role as Lt. Castillo (I swear that guy was always old).

3. Have Colin Farrell play Crockett but using his real Irish brogue–just have him add "pal" to the end of every sentence ("Miami vice, pal!").

4. Have Jamie Foxx play Tubbs as a blind man.

5. Have Dave Chappelle play Noogie.

QTU

Ever have a hard time telling somebody just how good something tastes? Well, a friend of mine has devised a term to help us all out. Introducing the Quantitative Taste Unit (QTU). Now, when somebody asks, "How’s your meal?" instead of responding with, "Good," or "Mmm" or whatever variant that tells us nothing, you can respond in QTUs.

It works like this:

"How’s your meal? In QTUs?"

"Twelve."

"Wow. Let me try some."

There are flaws in the system, naturally. For example, I’m not sure what 12 QTUs represents. I know it’s better than 9 QTUs, but not as good as 16 QTUs. Still, once a median is established, I believe that the QTU will go a long way toward helping us define our dining experiences.

You know, this was all a lot funnier last night when we were drunk...

Rom Coms I Actually Like

So just because I refuse to see Must Love Dogs and Just Like Heaven and whatever other warmed-over "chick flick" that comes out, doesn’t mean that I don’t like romantic comedies. I just like good romantic comedies–usually ones that break the norm. Here, then, as Exhibit A, is a list of 15 rom coms that I really like (in no particular order):

Kissing Jessica Stein
Funny, clever, unique, and honest, this story of a woman questioning her sexuality is too damn charming–even if the ending is a little too real.

Grosse Point Blank
John Cusack is an international hitman who returns for his high school reunion. How great is that? Minnie Driver is actually desirable in the film. Also, the soundtrack kicks ass! ‘80's!

The Wedding Singer
More ‘80's! This is one of the few funny Adam Sandler movies. Really. Plus it has Billy Idol playing himself. Rockin!

Coldblooded
An obscure Jason Priestly film that is very much worth seeking out. Priestly gives a hilarious performance as a mob hitman (apparently I like "hitmen-in-love" stories) who falls for his yoga instructor. Fantastic dark comedy. Great appearance by Janeane Garofalo as a whore.

The Truth About Cats & Dogs
The truth is...I really like Janeane Garofalo. That’s what makes this otherwise ridiculous movie bearable. I really believe that Janeane might be a lonely girl who doesn’t go out on dates much (that’s much more believable than Meg Ryan or some other A-lister trying to convince me that she can’t get a date). If you don’t like Janeane (or Uma), don’t watch this... the dog on roller skates will make you pray for the sweet release of death.

Shaun of the Dead
People will dispute it, but this really is a romantic comedy. Just with zombies. The movie’s totally worth watching just for the scene with the Prince records...

Before Sunrise/Before Sunset
Okay, so these aren’t really comedies, but they are damn good romantic films. I dare say these are the best romantic movies I’ve ever seen (which, granted, might not be saying much, but whatever). Taken as a whole, they are perfect, although I prefer Before Sunset (that may just be because I’m older now and identify with those characters more).

Clueless
This is just a very clever and subversive movie–disguising Jane Austen as a teenybopper story. Alicia Silverstone is at her best here, and it’s a nice taste of pre-coked out Brittany Murphy. Plus, you’ve gotta love Travis Birkenstock.

The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls In Love
It’s like every John Hughes movie–only with lesbians.

Chasing Amy
Lesbian with a twist. I love Kevin Smith, and think this movie is far more realistic than most people realize. Sadly, I speak with a little authority on this one.

Love Actually
For some reason, many guys like this movie–and I mean guys who like sci-fi and comic book movies, and action flicks, and other "boy" stuff. I think it’s because, by and large, the men in this movie get the girl–most notably Colin, who not only gets Shannon Elisabeth while visiting America, but also brings home Denise Richards for his buddy.

Shakespeare in Love
It’s just an incredibly clever and well-written film. Forget about all the Oscar hype or how damn annoying Gwyneth Paltrow can be. The movie is funny–especially for English majors who studied a lot of Shakespeare (i.e. me).

The Sweetest Thing
Less for the love story and more for the really fun portrayal of girlfriends, I watch this movie every time it’s on TV. Sadly, when it’s on TV they cut the hell out of it, so you don’t really appreciate the most risque humour (like Selma Blair trying to get a semen drenched dress to the dry cleaner).

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
I’m loathe to call this a comedy, since I don’t really find it funny. I do, however, think it’s brilliant. It’s one of those movies I wish I’d written. Thank god it’s written by Charlie Kaufman, who wrote his first screenplay at age 30 (there’s still time!!!).

Say Anything
A true classic. Every woman wants or should want their own Lloyd Dobbler. The speech Lloyd gives about not wanting to buy, sell, or process anything as a career is gold. "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen." Heart-wrenching.

Just Like Heaven

Show me show me show me how you do that tripe
The kind that makes me scream, I said
The kind that makes me cry, I said
I clucked my tongue and shook my head

As bad as my paraphrasing/butchering of these classic Cure lyrics might be, it pales in comparison to the use of the title Just Like Heaven for the latest Reese Witherspoon suckfest. Now I don’t know exactly what this movie is about since I only saw a poster for it, but I’m pretty confident in saying that I’d rather die than see this movie. It’s obviously more Reese rom-com treacle. They should call it Just Like Sweet Home Alabama. I liked this movie better when it was called Sweet Home Alabama, and I didn’t like Sweet Home Alabama. Who am I kidding? I didn’t even watch Sweet Home Alabama.

Remember when Reese was cool? I’m talking about her Freeway, Election, Pleasantville, American Psycho days. Reese picked edgy, interesting projects. Then Legally Blonde came along and turned her into America’s Sweetheart, and now we get crappy movies like Just Like Heaven.

You know, I don’t even really care that Reese has made yet another craptacular rom-com. I just wish they hadn’t named it after a Cure song. I mean, I didn’t mind when Boys Don’t Cry came out, because it was a good title for a good movie. But I just gotta believe that Robert Smith of The Cure (and yes, that is his full name: Robert Smith of The Cure) is extra depressed by this turn of events. I mean, like, Morrissey depressed.

It makes me sad, too, because I know what happens next. If Just Like Heaven is a hit, then you know the next Julia Roberts crapfest will be called Pictures of You. Or, worse yet, we’ll see Jennifer Lopez in the feel-good chickflick of the spring, Friday I’m In Love. I’m actually getting scared just writing that. Note to studio execs who may have found their way here: Don’t Do That. Really, Hollywood, if you want to name a movie after a Cure song, why not have some balls and go for something a little tougher, like Pornography or Killing an Arab?